The Fuckers - The Last Album Before We Change Our Name And Sell Out - Released on Blank Face Records - May 17, 2014

The claim is that this is the most fun band in Chicago. Its been a while since I've been to Chicago, but I'm willing to bet that this assertion is probably the most true thing I've read so far this year.

I've enjoyed the hell out of these guys for years now and naturally jumped at the chance to review their newest release The Last Album Before We Change Out Name And Sell Out, which shall henceforth be referred to as TLA...  due to it being too fucking long to repeatedly type - thanks Fuckers! 


The Fuckers are two dudes named Mark, a guy named Phil, and a Luke, just like in the bible, and just like in the bible, these guys know how to drink beer, fart, and day dream about one day getting a righteous piece of ass.... Just like in the bible.. All hail the Flying Spaghetti Jesus.

Being familiar with this band and their lyrical content I couldn't wait to get to my office today and crank this thing up for my unsuspecting coworkers. I got the response I had been hoping for, a proper mixture of disgust, revulsion, and noticeable looks of disdain from pretty much everyone around. Score point one! Okay, headphones on now, fuck the top-buttoners around here - I have work to do and this is just the kind of music to get work done to. This album is so good it can make scraping dog shit off the bottom of your shoe fun.

TLA.. starts off as a vulgarity laden assault to common decency and finishes much in the same way.  9 tracks, 19 minutes. Just enough time to beat off, clean up and eat that burrito you were warming up in the 7-Eleven microwave. Thanks for the memories Ashoka. TLA... really takes off on track 4 I'm in a Band, Do you Wanna Fuck Me. Rarely has a band written a more honest song and rarely has this actually ever worked for any band - ever. Give Us $$$ continues on with the rockstar mentality theme, I seriously hope these kids didn't genuinely expect to get slathered in cash and poontang when they aspired to be punk rockers. Has Glen Danzig taught them nothing? Mark's Magic Dick is another standout track mainly for the speedy little guitar riffs and vocals that sound like they were forced through a throat that had just been burnt.

Wagon Wheel follows suit in terms of speed and vocal smoothness, lyrically, I'm not sure what the fuck is happening, I just know I need a stiff drink.

The closing track on this album is one that I can most relate to, being that I was raised in a home  that attended the great Southern Fire & Brimstone "Let's bring on the Apocalypse!!" churches. I was promised an apocalypse! Jesus Ate Christmas, bring it the fuck on!!!

All-In-All this is one great fucking album! Rumor has it the album title is actually a true story, these guys plan to cease being the Fuckers. I'll grant you a moment to tear up or cum in your sock or whatever your need to do..

Its seems the Marks, the Phil, and the Luke were visited by an angel that told them that if they ever expected to get pussy from being in a band they needed to start a Gospel Quartet because church pussy is the best pussy because them girls are more comfortable on their knees.


Anywho! As usual, don't take my word for it - give this bitch a listen and grab a copy for yourselves and be sure to check the Fuckers out before they are gone for good.

facebook | bandcamp | youtube

goatse

The Creep Crusades - Blood Sweat Piss - Self Release 2014 TBR 04-20-14

You first heard these guys under the name The Pharmacists, due to a little hiccup with another band of the same name they are now The Creep Crusades. Name change aside these guys from D.C. are still doing hardcore the way it was meant to be done and Blood Sweat Piss only serves to show they can take the anger up an extra notch. While this EP has a darker note to it and the band is now a 3 piece act this 7 track EP is proof that a man down and a darker side is very much a good thing.  Dead to Me's intro throws a nod to previous release Vultures before it takes on it's own life and pounds frontman Lynn Dials' angry ass vocals into your skull. Jesus Ate Christmas can this EP get any better? The Bassline of Boring Son of a Bitch quickly jumps in to tell you, yes, yes it fucking can! And here's Dials again sounding even more pissed off, I don't know who is kicking this guy's puppy but they need to keep it up. I think Problems best puts Cooper's drumming skills front and center - he's beating those things like a hooker that didn't swallow and then walked off with his cocaine. Cutthroat makes the guitars even bigger and faster than they already are and really makes me want to be a teenager wearing combat boots in a mosh pit again. Yes, I am dating myself here but goddamn I want to kick people in the shins and stomp on their toes. Stabbing Party actually does make me kick things - problem is, I'm barefoot and I think I just broke 5 of my toes. Methmouth is truly an epic track. I  am not one to use the term "epic" often, this track earns the term in all aspects of it. Everything about this track is balls to the walls and sums up the title of the EP, all the Blood, all the Sweat, all the Piss is right here in this one track. All the Money Spent was the perfect track to end this release on. It perfectly blends all music from the prior 6 tracks into a rage filled conclusion. Something about this track puts me in mind of pre-fame Nirvana - you know back before they were just churning out what record executives were telling them sounded like angst - don't even fucking act like that wasn't the case - you know damn well it was. Here's to hoping The Creep Crusades NEVER take that road and continue making the music that makes them happy.. err.. angry. and here's to Blood Sweat Piss. As always, don't just take my word for it - check these guys out for yourself, preview and download 3 of these tracks here on reverbnation

Learn how to get your music noticed at ReverbNation.com

I think you'll agree that this EP is going to be well worth your time, cash and devotion to what is possibly the best thing rolling out of D.C. today.  At the time of reviewing this I have yet to pin down a release date for this EP, however the band assures me that it will be soon.

Grab this E.P. for a mere 7 bucks at bandcamp today. 


The Creep Crusades are:

Lynn Dials - Vocals/Guitar, 
Robert Cooper - Drums/Backing Vocals, 

Christian Askew - Bass

check them out at these fine internet locations.

facebook  |  reverbnation  | soundcloud  |  youtube  | booking agent

Also, for shits and giggle check out the band Lynn and Robert were in before The Creep Crusades

The SPLINTS